Today I'm Grateful for...

I don't post on this blog nearly as much as I would like, but with Thanksgiving and the holidays rolling around the corner, I have reflected on some of the most impactful experiences of this year. This post may not be very long or even profound, but I would like to share just a couple of the things I am most thankful for from this year.

I am grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ and His Atonement. 

"In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33.

 

This year has been the most difficult year, yet the most spiritual as well. I'll admit I have missed more Sunday church meetings than I have attended, I've neglected my scripture reading, and I've avoided saying my prayers for fear of disappointment, shame, and not knowing what to say.

But even though I have not regularly attended church or done those small and simple things we are asked to do, I have been consistent in enrolling and attending at least one institute class, and I am so grateful for that decision. If anyone is reading this that knew me in high school, you know that seminary was my favorite thing. I spent LOADS of time in the seminary building, I would visit and sometimes have long conversations with the teachers that I look up to and admire so much, and I would participate in almost every class period.

I have continued to be so grateful for those seminary experiences, because I truly do believe that those positive experiences are what have been institute something of a priority in my life. Without institute, I would not have had amazing moments with the Spirit and coming to understand the Savior and His role better in my life.

I am grateful for Jesus Christ and His Atonement, because it is available to anyone if they are willing and humble enough to receive His help. Even though I have been spiritually missing out this year, the Savior still reached out and saved me in a time when without Him I would not have survived. Not only did He help me in that time of need, He also kept helping me by giving me the strength to live day by day when I resented my own heart for beating another beat.

Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ are truly here to help us and to strengthen us as we strive to make it back to Them. I learned this year that no amount of failures or shortcomings will stop them from loving and embracing me with open arms when I need their help and when I make a shaky step towards them again in a time of darkness and desperation. It's really truly amazing how ready they are to accept you back in once you are ready to accept them.

 

I am grateful for my daily struggles with mental illness.

"Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don't give up and please don't yield to fear." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

 

I can count on my fingers the number of times I have been grateful for my mental illness. Most days I hope with all my heart that it would just disappear and let me enjoy a life without the constant battle. This year has been the most difficult as I have struggled with my illness, but several good things have come out of it as well, and I would like to write them down and share them now because I can honestly promise I may not feel the same way tomorrow.

I've had to learn the hard way this year that it's okay to ask for help. I struggle with so many depressive and anxious voices in my head on a daily basis. The most common thoughts are: "You're attention seeking",  "people only pretend to care out of principle, not because they actually care", "you're doing this to yourself", "you've made yourself this way", "stop bothering everyone with your problems, they'll leave you", etc. The list really goes on for miles, but I'll stop there.

I've been through so many "I give up" moments. I've written notes to friends and family for when I would be gone, I've driven long nights and slept in my car in the middle of nowhere to try and escape my own life, I've had concerned friends call the police on 4 different occasions, I've been to the emergency room, I've failed classes and missed work, I've gone entire weeks without eating, and I've avoided teachers, friends, family members, and classmates because of I felt ashamed of who I was.
 
But even though I have had more bad days than good days this year, the good days are days that I cherish and soak it all in. Sure, my mental illness has almost destroyed me on several occasions, but on several occasions I have chosen to keep breathing when it hurt to do so, I've destroyed suicide notes I have written because I know deep down suicide is not the answer, I've driven to friends' houses or to the nearest temple and to feel close and safe to someone or something familiar, I've spoken to the police even when I didn't want to answer the door, I went to the emergency room for help even when just the thought of going shot a ball of fear up my throat, and I've poured entire bottles of pills down the toilet and thrown away knives, scissors, razors, and matches to escape temptations to hurt myself, and I've kept in contact with friends even when I want to isolate myself and fear they will leave me.

So even though this year has been full of some of my hardest struggles with my mental illness, it has also helped me see that it's a sign of strength to ask for help, and sometimes it's okay to do just one load of laundry when it's all you can bear to do that day. I'm learning how to be more aware of myself and my state of mind, I'm learning to be stronger and more prepared to handle criticism from others and myself, and I've slowly found ways to be closer to the Lord and His Spirit.

I am grateful I chose to attend college and achieve my bachelor's degree.

Not only has my choice to attend college help me build my resume and give me professional experience, it has helped me grown immensely as a person. College helped me learn how to be independent, responsible, and accountable for my actions and mistakes. Pursuing a bachelor's degree in English is the best thing I could have done. I have felt connected to people on a whole new level in situations I have never or will never experience because of the literature I've read and analyzed. I've learned to be much more understanding and tolerant of others and to put myself in their shoes and broaden my perspective. And I was inspired and impacted by several instructors, friends, and classmates.

My decision to attend college has been criticized several times by others. "You spent so much money for something worthless, "how come you still don't know what you're doing?", "you should have just stayed home and worked and started making money", etc. But by college experience was not worthless. My personal and professional growth from choosing to attend college is immeasurable and after just a months of graduation, I am still realizing how I have grown over the past 4 years of my life in good ol' Rexburg, Idaho. I wouldn't trade that time or money for anything else in the world even if I could.


This posts ended up being much longer than I had originally intended, but it's only fitting I share just a couple of the things I'm most grateful for on the day of Thanksgiving. Life is crazy, fun, challenging, terrifying, and worth it all at the same time. It's no wonder our mortal experience is part of God's plan, and I am so grateful I made the decision to chose Him on the other side of the vale at the beginning of my eternal existence.

Take the time to reflect on what you are most grateful for this year, it may open your eyes to some things you didn't know before. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Voice Inside My Head

Being an adult was not what I expected it to be. It’s a hectic and confusing mixture of happiness, pain, security, insecurity, loneliness, and anxiety all at the same time.

Frequently, this voice in the back of my head tells me to just give up, give in, stop trying, and just end it all. If I’m dead I don’t have to worry about eating, sleeping, homework, failing, repaying thousands of dollars in student loans, disappointing and burdening the people around me, being abandoned, being hurt by others’ addictions and abuse. Sometimes the voice makes a lot of sense, and sometimes it stays with me all night and keeps me awake in a dark room. Alone. While people sleep. It tries to convince me to hurt myself, because physical pain is easier to feel than emotional. It knows how and when to bully me. It knows when I’m most vulnerable.

But what the voice doesn’t realize, is that it underestimates me. I’m stronger than it thinks I am. I have a life where I can choose to keep breathing for another day. The voice is good at making surviving seem like the last thing I want to do, but I’m good at finding something to stand for and sticking to it against opposition. The voice is good at constantly telling me I’m alone, no one cares, no one is listening, and that I will be abandoned. But I’m good at reaching out to people I trust and respect for advice, help, and support. I’m good at trusting that people are good and willing to listen and help until proven otherwise. And I know how to step away from negative and poisonous people in my life. People that want to bring me down and that need to see me fail to feel better about themselves.

I didn’t realize during my high school years that I was learning what it means to be my own person. To believe what I know is true and right, and to live it despite what others think or say. I didn’t realize that my desire to connect with and confide in people older than me was helping me safely distinguish between the people that really care, and those that just pretend. And I didn’t realize that a handful of the people I associated with in high school would still be here for me now.

I’m a lot stronger than I ever knew I was growing up. Some of that strange I had to build myself, but most of that strength has been inside me all along. Because my physical and mental struggles are not a reflection of my spiritual and eternal character. I am not the depression, anxiety, fears, doubts, or voice inside my head. And I can choose to keep living, learning, and overcoming, and creating my own story.

2016 Coming to a Close

As this year comes to a close, I’ve been thinking about how much I have been blessed.

When this year started, I began my junior year of college. March marked a year of me recovering and enduring the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with: Depression. And this year, I’ve only had three major anxiety attacks TOTAL, which hasn’t happened since I started having them 11 years ago. 

I knew I wanted/needed to live in Rexburg for the year – I have learned it’s healthier for me to live away from home for a few different reasons – but had no idea how it could be done. When Spring semester started and I paid for tuition and housing, I had $11 left to my name. That’s it. I didn’t have enough to pay for my books (which were about $80), and I barely had anything for groceries.

I had faith God would provide a way. I knew either way, He would support me and give me what I needed to live either in Rexburg or in Utah.

I was/am blessed with good health. I started donating plasma 1-2 times a week in order buy groceries. I applied for two jobs on campus. The first one I was turned away, the second I was asked to complete an evaluation, and then I had an interview. I was offered the job pretty soon after the interview. That was an AMAZING blessing. I’ve had roommate and friends who have been trying for TWO semesters to get a job on-campus and have had no luck. After I got off the phone when I was offered the job, I prayed so hard and tried not to cry and look like a weirdo in public.

I've been able to stay in Rexburg the entire year and not starve and get kicked out because I couldn't pay rent. I had to live off of Pancake mix for a week, go to bed hungry, or make it through an entire day on nothing but a packet of microwave oatmeal. (I did order WAY more pizza then I should have and then had to pay the credit card bill the next time I was paid...I could have saved so much money had I not done that...but I was hungry!!)

I got to teach seminary earlier the year. Something that I count really special and neat, even though it was only two days. I learned more about myself and what is right for me (or not right in this case). I got to feel what it's like to spend lots of time thinking about a class full of teenagers, and got to spend the night after my first teaching experience on my knees, praying for each of them by name, and wanting so badly for them to feel the truth of the Gospel like I did when I was in seminary. For only a two-day experience, it was one of the most intense, frightening, exciting, spiritual, and strengthening things I've ever done. (I can't imagine if I would have continued farther!!) Phew!

And even though I don't live in Utah, I've been able to come and visit for the holidays. I've been able to take shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent, toothpaste, etc. from my parents house because of my mom's super coupon skills, and I've never had to buy my own of those things while in college. And I've got awesome grandparents who have been so nice and gracious to help me by contributing some money when I've come to visit.

But ultimately, I am so grateful to have a loving and supporting Father in Heaven, who has made everything in my life possible. Without Him and the testimony I have of Him and His Son, Jesus Christ, I know for a fact I wouldn't have made it last year, and nothing that has happened this year would have even happened.

I'm so grateful for so many people for making this year and everything that has happened in it possible.  Life is crazy. College is crazy. But you play it by ear, keep working, moving forward, trying new things, and sometimes step forward even when you have to step into the dark and put all your trust into someone else.

Life is just great. And such an amazing blessing. I'm excited to see what the next year has in store for me. :)