Today I'm Grateful for...

I don't post on this blog nearly as much as I would like, but with Thanksgiving and the holidays rolling around the corner, I have reflected on some of the most impactful experiences of this year. This post may not be very long or even profound, but I would like to share just a couple of the things I am most thankful for from this year.

I am grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ and His Atonement. 

"In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33.

 

This year has been the most difficult year, yet the most spiritual as well. I'll admit I have missed more Sunday church meetings than I have attended, I've neglected my scripture reading, and I've avoided saying my prayers for fear of disappointment, shame, and not knowing what to say.

But even though I have not regularly attended church or done those small and simple things we are asked to do, I have been consistent in enrolling and attending at least one institute class, and I am so grateful for that decision. If anyone is reading this that knew me in high school, you know that seminary was my favorite thing. I spent LOADS of time in the seminary building, I would visit and sometimes have long conversations with the teachers that I look up to and admire so much, and I would participate in almost every class period.

I have continued to be so grateful for those seminary experiences, because I truly do believe that those positive experiences are what have been institute something of a priority in my life. Without institute, I would not have had amazing moments with the Spirit and coming to understand the Savior and His role better in my life.

I am grateful for Jesus Christ and His Atonement, because it is available to anyone if they are willing and humble enough to receive His help. Even though I have been spiritually missing out this year, the Savior still reached out and saved me in a time when without Him I would not have survived. Not only did He help me in that time of need, He also kept helping me by giving me the strength to live day by day when I resented my own heart for beating another beat.

Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ are truly here to help us and to strengthen us as we strive to make it back to Them. I learned this year that no amount of failures or shortcomings will stop them from loving and embracing me with open arms when I need their help and when I make a shaky step towards them again in a time of darkness and desperation. It's really truly amazing how ready they are to accept you back in once you are ready to accept them.

 

I am grateful for my daily struggles with mental illness.

"Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don't give up and please don't yield to fear." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

 

I can count on my fingers the number of times I have been grateful for my mental illness. Most days I hope with all my heart that it would just disappear and let me enjoy a life without the constant battle. This year has been the most difficult as I have struggled with my illness, but several good things have come out of it as well, and I would like to write them down and share them now because I can honestly promise I may not feel the same way tomorrow.

I've had to learn the hard way this year that it's okay to ask for help. I struggle with so many depressive and anxious voices in my head on a daily basis. The most common thoughts are: "You're attention seeking",  "people only pretend to care out of principle, not because they actually care", "you're doing this to yourself", "you've made yourself this way", "stop bothering everyone with your problems, they'll leave you", etc. The list really goes on for miles, but I'll stop there.

I've been through so many "I give up" moments. I've written notes to friends and family for when I would be gone, I've driven long nights and slept in my car in the middle of nowhere to try and escape my own life, I've had concerned friends call the police on 4 different occasions, I've been to the emergency room, I've failed classes and missed work, I've gone entire weeks without eating, and I've avoided teachers, friends, family members, and classmates because of I felt ashamed of who I was.
 
But even though I have had more bad days than good days this year, the good days are days that I cherish and soak it all in. Sure, my mental illness has almost destroyed me on several occasions, but on several occasions I have chosen to keep breathing when it hurt to do so, I've destroyed suicide notes I have written because I know deep down suicide is not the answer, I've driven to friends' houses or to the nearest temple and to feel close and safe to someone or something familiar, I've spoken to the police even when I didn't want to answer the door, I went to the emergency room for help even when just the thought of going shot a ball of fear up my throat, and I've poured entire bottles of pills down the toilet and thrown away knives, scissors, razors, and matches to escape temptations to hurt myself, and I've kept in contact with friends even when I want to isolate myself and fear they will leave me.

So even though this year has been full of some of my hardest struggles with my mental illness, it has also helped me see that it's a sign of strength to ask for help, and sometimes it's okay to do just one load of laundry when it's all you can bear to do that day. I'm learning how to be more aware of myself and my state of mind, I'm learning to be stronger and more prepared to handle criticism from others and myself, and I've slowly found ways to be closer to the Lord and His Spirit.

I am grateful I chose to attend college and achieve my bachelor's degree.

Not only has my choice to attend college help me build my resume and give me professional experience, it has helped me grown immensely as a person. College helped me learn how to be independent, responsible, and accountable for my actions and mistakes. Pursuing a bachelor's degree in English is the best thing I could have done. I have felt connected to people on a whole new level in situations I have never or will never experience because of the literature I've read and analyzed. I've learned to be much more understanding and tolerant of others and to put myself in their shoes and broaden my perspective. And I was inspired and impacted by several instructors, friends, and classmates.

My decision to attend college has been criticized several times by others. "You spent so much money for something worthless, "how come you still don't know what you're doing?", "you should have just stayed home and worked and started making money", etc. But by college experience was not worthless. My personal and professional growth from choosing to attend college is immeasurable and after just a months of graduation, I am still realizing how I have grown over the past 4 years of my life in good ol' Rexburg, Idaho. I wouldn't trade that time or money for anything else in the world even if I could.


This posts ended up being much longer than I had originally intended, but it's only fitting I share just a couple of the things I'm most grateful for on the day of Thanksgiving. Life is crazy, fun, challenging, terrifying, and worth it all at the same time. It's no wonder our mortal experience is part of God's plan, and I am so grateful I made the decision to chose Him on the other side of the vale at the beginning of my eternal existence.

Take the time to reflect on what you are most grateful for this year, it may open your eyes to some things you didn't know before. Happy Thanksgiving!